Sports OverReAction Desk
THE RED SOX/YANKEE SORAD
By John "Startedin67" Terra August 27, 2007
The scene opens with
Buster and Lance in a dark, smoky room. There are several men of obvious
power and influence sitting in luxurious chairs. Our SORAD anchors look
clearly discomfited, as if they were reporting to the principal.
MYSTERY MAN #1: Gentlemen, baseball needs to be
made more exciting. Clearly, my idea of inter-league play has been
insufficient in generating more thrills.
MYSTERY MAN #2: The match-ups aren’t sexy enough,
aren’t “Foxy” enough, if you get my meaning. We need to generate some real
rabid hype.
MYSTERY MAN #1: Otherwise, gentlemen, the two of
you will be doing human interest stories at daycare centers.
BUSTER: But…but….we’re doing the best we can!
MYSTERY MAN #1: Your best is not good enough, I
fear….
LANCE: Wait! The Sox and the Yankees are facing
each other for a three-game series! We can hype it up!
MYSTERY MAN #3: Which Sox are we talking about
here? The “Hi we used to be World Series champs and now we’re the doormat of
the AL Central” ones? Or the “Struggling” ones?
BUSTER: The struggling ones! The rivals of the
Yankees!
MYSTERY MAN #1: Eeeeexcellent!!! OK, gentlemen, you
have one more chance….and here’s how you’re going to do it….
The scene dissolves, implying that some time has
passed. The scene is replaced with what looks like footage of two
oil-wrestling women, each wearing a bikini decorated with the colors and
logos of the Sox and Yanks respectively.
ANNOUNCER: Tuesday! Tues-Day! TUESDAY!!!!! It’s the
grudge match all of baseball’s been waiting to see! The Struggling
Boston Red Sox versus the
Resurgent New York Yankees, for AL East Division Dominance!
BUSTER: (screaming) Dominance!
LANCE: (shouting) Dominance!
RANDOM DOMINATRIX: (purring) Dominance!
ANNOUNCER: With the fading, weakened Red Sox a mere
7.5 games up on the storied New York Yankees franchise, baseball passion is
at a fever pitch! And we’re not talking about that sucky movie that came out
a few years ago!
BUSTER: (screaming) Fever!
LANCE: (screaming) Fever!
SICK GUY WITH A THERMOMETER IN HIS MOUTH: (kneeling
in front of a toilet) Fever!!!!
ANNOUNCER: Are you ready for three nights of
pulse-pounding, gut-ripping, ball-busting, zit-popping action!?!?!
BUSTER: (screaming) Action!
LANCE: (shouting) Action!
PORNO MOVIE DIRECTOR: (leering) Action!
ANNOUNCER: It’s up to the on-the-ropes,
could-keel-over-and-die-at-any-second Red Sox to somehow overcome history.
Who cares about the Spirit of 76, people!!! Make way for the Spirit of 78!
We see a guy wearing a bed sheet, with the
number “78” emblazoned on it. He waves his arms around like a retarded
ghost, and tries (but fails miserably) to speak with a spooky voice.
SPIRIT OF 78: Wooooo! Oooooo! Look at me, I’m the
Spirit of 78! Oooo! Scarrryyyyyyyy!!!! Beware, Red Sox!! I’m coming to your
house, and will raid your fridge! Ooooo!
ANNOUNCER: Not just another Sox-Yanks matchup, but
rather THE Sox-Yanks matchup! Check out the warriors who will be invading
Yankee Stadium! These guys are out for blood!
We see quick-cuts of various Red Sox team
members, looking for all the world like a collection of WWE fighters who’re
all in a particularly foul mood. Each player name is shouted out by the
overeager, overloud announcer.
“IRON MIKE”
LOWELL: Grrrrr!!! I’m
gonna take every dirty trick I ever learned in Yankee boot camp, and use
them on those pinstriped wimps! It’s a contract year on Yankee asses!!!
DUSTIN “ASS-BUSTIN” PEDROIA: I’m gonna go all
rookie on your butts, Yankee slime!
ALEX “GENIUS” CORA: My formidable intellect will
dominate
New York!
JULIO “STARVIN MARVIN”
LUGO: I have an appetite for Yankee destruction! Honest!
JASON “THAT GUY FROM FRIDAY THE 13th“ VARITEK:
Sniff the glove, A-Rod! Sniff the glooooove!!!!
JULIAN “NUTTIER THAN A SH*THOUSE RAT” TAVAREZ: To
me, every Yankee’s name is Gathwright!!!! I will beat them all with my
oversized manhood!
COCO “BURNT TO A….”
CRISP: Did you see that Yankee smackdown that Coco made!?!?!?
KEVIN “YOU KILL US” YOUKILIS: I’m the Greek God of
kicking Yankee ass!!!!
DOUG “I’M STILL USEFUL” MIRABELLI: I’ll take a
large order of Yankee butts, side of fries, and SUPERSIZE it, baby!!!!
KEVIN “OH, NO YOU AIN’T!” CASH: I’ll take TWO
orders!!!!
TIM “BRASS KNUCKLES”
WAKEFIELD: Keep your heads down, Yankee pinstripers! Who knows where..or
who…my knuckler will hit?
CURT “BLOODY SOCK BLOWHARD YANKEE KILLER MAN OF A
THOUSAND WORDS HIGHLY OPINONATED AND PROBABLY WILL END UP IN FLORIDA”
SCHILLING: My blog explains why you all suck, Yankees!!!!
DAISUKE “MONSTER” MATSUZAKA and HIDEKI “SHADOW
WARRIOR” OKAJIMA: We highly disrespect you, Mastui, and your feeble
comrades! We will dishonor you in front of your great mass of unwashed
fans!!!!!
MIKE “DOESN’T SUCK TOO MUCH THESE DAYS AND IS IN
FACT LOOKING PRETTY GOOD” TIMLIN: Be vewy vewy quiet! I’m hunting Yankees!!!
ERIC “LORD AM I GLAD TO BE HERE!” HINSKE: I wanna
play full time for the Sox next year!
BOBBY “WOW IS THIS GUY WORKING OUT WELL FOR US OR
WHAT?” KIELTY: Me too!
J.D. “COMATOSE” DREW: zzzzzzzzz
MANNY “EASILY DISTRACTED” RAMIREZ: Wha..?
DAVID “WHO’S YOUR PAPI” ORTIZ: My bat’s gonna smack
some long balls right out of the Toilet! No windshield will be safe!
ERIC “SLOWLY GETTING BETTER” GAGNE: I’m French! Why
do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Yankees! I fart in
your general direction! Your mothers were all hamsters and your fathers
smelled of elderberries! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
JONATHAN “SCARY EYES” PAPELBON: I’m closing the
door on YOU, Yankees!!!
We are treated to footage of the entire Red Sox
team, wielding bats (yes, even the pitching staff), as they attack a pinata
that resembles an oversized head of Tim McCarver. Finally, a shot from Papi
makes it explode open, showering the hooting team with a cascade of World
Series rings.
ANNOUNCER VOICE OVER: And many more!!! Wow! You
can’t miss this classic, Earth-shattering matchup!
We finally see the SORAD desk, although in the
background, there’s still lots of posturing, pyrotechnics, and good old
fashioned hype showing on the video monitors.
BUSTER: Good evening, baseball fans! I’m Buster
Gutt…
LANCE: And I’m Lance Boyle, and we’re…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReaction Desk!
BUSTER: Ready to change with the times and hype
every matchup to its fullest potential!
LANCE: Right you are, Buster! And today’s top
story! It’s all about the poor, weak Sox versus the almighty Yankees!
BUSTER: Whoa! The Red Sox better watch out! Looks
like this won’t be their year!
LANCE: Right you are, Buster! Last time we looked,
the struggling
Boston Red Sox have…er…um…they’ve..increased
their lead against their rivals. Thanks to…er…a…nasty sweep of the White
Sox….showing…er…just how much the Red Sox are suffering.
BUSTER: Right you are, Lance! It’s 1978 all over
again, as the foundering Red Sox struggle to stay on top.
LANCE: (Looking more and more unconvincing) Er…right,
Buster. The doomed Red Sox, or the “Dead Sox”, as they’ve been known in past
years, have little to recommend them for the long haul other than…er….lights-out
starting pitching, a solid bullpen, a recently come-alive offense…they’re
doomed…I…I…. (Buries his face in his hands and sobs) Oh gawd, I feel so
filthy! I’m such a whore! This is so wrong!
BUSTER: (Smiling at the camera, but clearly getting
panicky) What do you mean, Lance? The Sox are doomed. Everyone knows that.
LANCE: (Still upset) Look, let’s just move on to
our next feature! Back in Fox Network’s early days, they had a forgettable
show called “Herman’s Head,” about this guy who had these people in his head
that represented different aspects of his personality. Let’s roll tape on
this new installment called “A Red Sox Fan’s Head.” As for me, I think I
need to find a priest and make Confession…
We see what is clearly meant to be a living room
of sorts, decorated with Red Sox memorabilia. Sitting around is a man
dressed in Sox colors, with a red foam “Number One” oversized hand; another
man dressed as a Goth, but with a Red Sox cap on; and a third man, wearing a
Red Sox propeller beanie, Hawaiian shirt, Red Sox boxers, and waving a
rubber chicken (complete with its own little Red Sox cap). The first man has
a placard in front of him reading “Petey Positive”, the second man has one
reading “Danny Downer”, and the third one’s says “Ronny Random”.
PETEY: Wow, here we are. Late August, and we’re up
at least seven games over our division rivals! At long last, redemption is
nigh!
DANNY: Are you kidding? Are you aware that on
today’s date, back in 1978, this EXACT date, we were 7.5 games ahead of the
Yankees? It’s 1978 all over again! The shoe’s going to fall,and it’s going
to land on our heads!
RONNY: I was at a Dunkin Donuts recently…did you
know the official Red Sox donut is gone? Seriously! They replaced it with
the official Patriots donut! I kid you not! What’s up with that!?!?! We’re
doing well, and they yank out the donut?
PETEY: It’s not 1978…Look at this team. Good grief,
just look at them! The starting rotation! The bullpen! The bats! They’re
coming together! They’re on a roll! They swept the White Sox!
DANNY That’s not a big accomplishment. The White
Sox suck.
RONNY: You know, I was watching NESN a while
back….now, I used to think Hazel Mae was all that, but let me tell you…Tina
Cervasio? Nice. Real nice. In fact, better than Hazel, I think.
PETEY: The White Sox suck? OK, sure, that’s fair.
But if the Sox had NOT swept them, the whining and moaning would’ve started
up that “we SHOULD have swept them, and the fact that we didn’t, shows how
weak the team is.” Well, boo hoo. The fact is, we DID sweep them, and our
offense is finally coming together!
DANNY: J.D. Drew’s a waste of space.
RONNY: Why’s he called J. D., when he should be
called D.J.? Kinda makes you wonder….
PETEY: And Bobby Keilty’s doing just fine shoring
up the position, thank you very much. Let Keilty buy Drew some time to get
his head straight, if that’s what’s needed. Look. Even if the Yanks won the
next four games, as in, beating the Tigers, then sweeping the Sox, they
would STILL be four games behind. After which, the Sox would then resume the
cakewalk schedule they have, and more than likely rebuild that lead. And
although it IS possible the Yanks could sweep us, it’s not probable.
DANNY: Well, yeah…but still. The Yanks are
unstoppable.
PETEY: Tell that to
Detroit. Tell that to the Angels. Hell, tell that to the frickin’ Orioles!
RONNY: I liked the old Orioles emblem. The cartoony
smiley one. What a jolly little bird! I bet if they went back to that
emblem, they wouldn’t suck so bad.
PETEY: Come on now! Stop and think this through! We
have the best damned record in baseball! We’re on a hot streak! This team
has drive, they have confidence, they want it all!
DANNY: Gagne has yet to give us a
1-2-3 inning.
PETEY: Gagne’s improving. Looks like he really did
just need an adjustment period.
DANNY: Yeah, but let’s see him in another
high-pressure situation, not some of the recent laughers.
PETEY: There’ll be more laughers to come if the Sox
keep hitting this way! Let Gagne work out the kinks, and be ready to rock
for the post-season, when we’ll really need him.
DANNY: Our shortstop is our Achilles heel. Why did
we have to trade Cabrera? NO one’s worked out in that position! It’s like
ever since Nomar left, it’s been cursed. It’s like the Defense Against the
Dark Arts teaching position at Hogwarts, in the Harry Potter books.
RONNY: The last Potter movie blew goats, but I did
like the final book in the series.
PETEY: No team, and I do mean NO team, is perfect
this year. There IS no invincible team. If the Red Sox simply keep doing
what they’re doing, just keep winning, they’ll take the division. Simple as
that. And as for
Lugo, the man has wheels.
DANNY: But the Yankeees will win a lot of games
between now and then…
PETEY: …which won’t matter if the Sox keep winning,
and considering the upcoming matchups, I’d put money on our boys to win.
RONNY: I’m so glad the Yankees aren’t called the
Highlanders anymore. Could you just see the slogans? They’d rip off that
movie. “There can be only one!” I can see it now….gag me. I mean, are you
aware that the A-Rod “got milk” ads are back? Geez.
DANNY: I dunno….I see an inconsistent Beckett, a
fading Varitek, a less-than-perfect Lugo, a useless Drew…an offense that
can’t always hit….I have my doubts.
PETEY: And I see a solid starting rotation, an
excellent bullpen which feaures an improved Mike Timlin and an always great
Oki, a strong Mike Lowell, home runs again from Papi, a vastly improved Coco
Crisp, and a team that’s coming together really nicely. There’s nothing like
a sweep, even a sweep against a mediocre team, to get the blood going, and
get everyone psyched. Like I said, even if we lost the series to the Yanks,
we’re still on top, and by the same number of games we were on top by just a
few weeks ago, and look how that turned out! Nothing’s a lock, I admit, but
there’s more reasons than ever to feel good about the Sox.
DANNY: Maybe I’ll go and worry about gas prices
instead, or something.
The scene switches back to the SORAD desk. Lance
is nowhere to be seen.
BUSTER: Well, no matter how you slice it, this will
be a killer series. Every single
Boston playoff hope rides
on the next three games.
Lance’s tearful voice comes from off-screen.
LANCE: No it doesn’t!!!
BUSTER: Er….so….this is Buster Gutt….
LANCE (still off-screen, in tears): …and this is a
wretched media tool…
BUSTER: Saying, good night, and go Yankees! Oh
wait. We’re supposed to look impartial while we’re on the air….Strike that
last comment. Is this thing still on?
LANCE: (yet still off-screen) Stop pretending! It’s
over! We can’t keep holding up those pinstripers without looking like
complete tools. Hell is coming, and it’s wearing matching soft, red
footwear!
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A VERY SPECIAL SORAD
By John "Startedin67" Terra August 6, 2007
We see our suit-jacketed sports anchors, Lance Boyle and Buster Gutt, sitting at the Sports OverReaction Desk. Behind them is the usual bank of video screens, showing numerous scenes from baseball. We see A-Rod hitting a home run, Gagne in a Sox uniform, Barry Bonds hitting a run, Coco making a spectacular catch, Jerry Remy falling down, Johnny Damon crying, Doug Mirabelli looking confused, Clemens dodging debris hurling down from the fans at Yankee Stadium, Curt Schilling talking, some fan getting hit with a pizza, a minor league coach lobbing a resin bag like a grenade, El Guapo eating some shrimp, etc.
.
Roger “The Rocket” Clemens, beloved Cy Young winner and Yankee Immortal,
enshrined in the pantheon of pinstriped pitching, was booed. Yes, BOOED at
Yankee Stadium on Thursday, when he gave up eight runs in one inning, and
also split his pants.?
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A VERY SPECIAL SORAD
By John "Startedin67" Terra May 18, 2007
We see
Buster and Lance sitting behind the SORAD desk, with the usual bank of
screens behind them. However, instead of scenes of various MLB teams in
action, each screen shows the exact same image: a 40-something, pudgy face
with a blank, cow-like stare, attached to a large melon-like head, topped
off with a Yankees cap. Buster and Lance are sitting there, eyes bugged out,
twitching and spazzing like a pair of deranged weasels on crack. Foamy
saliva jets forth from their mouths as they speak.
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: Our top story…no…the ONLY story…
LANCE: …it doesn’t get any bigger than this…
BUSTER: …not in all of baseball…it makes all other
baseball stories seem so insignificant.
LANCE: It’s just…too…dramatic and awe-inspiring for
words.
BUSTER: You know, it’s one of those “where were
you” moments. You know, like “Where were you when the Japanese bombed Pearl
Jam and brought us into World War 2?”
LANCE: Or “where were you when RFK was shot in
Dallas
by Lee and Harvey Osmond?”
BUSTER: Or “where were you when Louis Armstrong
walked on the moon?”, or “where were you when Jackie Robinson broke the
sound barrier for the Los Angeles Dodgers of LA?”
LANCE: Even “Where were you when Jesus H. Christ
was assassinated in
Rome
by Pontius the Pilot, for your sins?”
BUSTER: Well, all those “where were you” moments
pale in comparison to this one.
LANCE: Can I say it, Buster? Please? Can I be the
one?
BUSTER: Oh, all right, you crazy big lug you!
LANCE: (Excitedly) Roger Clemens is
returning to the New York Yankees!!!!!!!!
BUSTER: We’ll give everyone a few moments to cheer
and whoop.
Both men just sit there with dumb grins on
their faces for about ten seconds.
LANCE: All set? Got that out of your systems?
BUSTER: Now, as it happens, Lance and I were at
Yankee Stadium on that day, that very day, that day when Yankee fortunes
changed forever. And we got it on film.
LANCE: We’ve been waiting for the right time to
show this. And the right time is now.
BUSTER: Roll that beautiful Rogering footage!!!!!!
LANCE: I don’t think that phrase was exactly what
you meant to say…
The scene changes to Yankee Stadium, the
seventh inning stretch, as the Yankees host the Mariners. The SORAD camera
pans over the crowd, as the Yankee faithful cheer on their team.
YANKEE FAN: Booooo! You’re not winning by a big
enough score! You guys suck!!!
OTHER YANKEE FAN: Why aren’t you in first place in
the division, like you’re supposed to be!?!?!?!
STILL ANOTHER YANKEE FAN: Boooo! I’m gonna start
following the Mets!
YET STILL ANOTHER YANKEE FAN: Duhhh! Power!
Pinstripes! Prestige! Mantle! DiMaggio! 26 rings! Champions…er…uh….Ruth!
Duhh…Um….Storied franchise! Yo!
ANNOUNCER: Fans, please turn your attention to the
suite behind home plate.
Every face in Yankee Stadium does exactly
that. A golden ray of sunshine breaks the clouds and strikes the suite, as a
heavenly choir begins to sing. We see Saint Roger, clad in shimmering white
robes, genuflecting at the masses, his chubby face smiling benignly. On his
oversized (but not chemically enhanced, oh no, definitely not) head is
perched a cloth-of-gold Yankees cap. Next to him sits Brian Cashman, mopping
his brow and looking relieved, like the Thanksgiving turkey that just got
the traditional Presidential pardon.
ROGER: Fans, Yankees, YES-men, lend me your beers.
I have come to bury the Red Sox, not to join them. When, in the course of
human events, it becomes necessary to bail from the Astros and go for the
big payoff, I am endowed by my new contract with certain inalienable rights
that include life, liberty, and the ability to come and go as I please,
clubhouse chemistry and team loyalty be damned. Fourscore and seven months
ago, I brought to this team a new championship, dedicated to the proposition
that all Yankees are created more equal than other ballplayers. I have a
dream! A dream that one day, in the halls of Yankee Stadium, fans from the
Bronx
will sit down with fans from Queens at the concession stand of Yankee-hood,
and join hands and sing the words “Champs at last, champs at last! Thank
George Almighty, champs at last!” Ask not what you can do for your team, ask
what concessions your team can make for you! Ich bin ein Yankee!
A mighty roar issues from the Stadium, a huge
emotional wave of noise, as if millions of baboons in heat suddenly cried
out at once, then were suddenly silenced. We see Buster and Lance, outside
the Stadium, marveling at the spectacle.
BUSTER: Listen to that. The fans of a storied
franchise have sent the word forth! Roger is back!
LANCE: We’re not even on record as actually being
Yankee fans, but we’re moved anyway.
BUSTER: And look! What’s all that golden-yellowish
water streaming out from the Stadium in all directions? Smells familiar.
LANCE: Buster, that would be the result of 55,000
Yankee fans peeing themselves for joy. Like their joy, their bladders are
overflowing, and they just can’t contain themselves!
BUSTER: Wow! Rivers of gold shining forth from
Yankee Stadium, radiating to all points of the compass! Flow, urine! Bring
the news to all! Roger’s back! Flow, oh smelly messengers of hope! Carry the
news to the faithful, and tell them that hope has returned to the Yankees!
LANCE: And look! A squad of rats have constructed
sailing craft from cast-off concession litter, and are sailing merrily down
the streams! Chittering with joy at the return of the Rocket!
BUSTER: Clearly, we’re witnessing the debut of
Roger’s Rodent Regatta!
LANCE: I feel honored…
BUSTER: See? Even nature itself rejoices at Roger’s
return! It’s…it’s so beautiful!!!!
LANCE: You know, Buster? Speaking of wetting
oneself, I’ll just bet the Red Sox are wetting themselves out of sheer
terror at the news that Roger’s back. We’ll see how big they are now that
the Rocket’s got a bead on them!
BUSTER: Funny you should mention that, Lance. As it
happens, we have our roving correspondents Brandy Alexander and Amber Ayle,
who’ve managed to sneak into Fenway Park and enter the fabled “Pitchers’
Club,” where all the Red Sox pitchers hang out, swap stories, and such.
Let’s go live to the girls!
The scene changes, and we see Brandy and
Amber hiding behind a large crate of chewing gum. It’s clear that they’re
not supposed to be here, as they’re speaking in hushed voices. In the
background, we see members of the Red Sox pitching staff, reading
newspapers, hitting a balloon back and forth, playing with a Nintendo
Gameboy, etc.
BRANDY: Hi fans! This is Brandy and Amber,
infiltrating the ultra-secret “Pitchers Club” of the Boston Red Sox! Let’s
eavesdrop on what they’re saying about Roger Clemens’ return!
AMBER: Where’s Derek Lowe? He’s hot!
BRANDY: Shh!
The camera focuses on some of the Sox
pitchers, sitting in a circle, relaxing. We see Curt, Oki, Dice, Wake,
Papelbon, Julian, Josh, Snyder, and Timlin. Dice and Oki’s interpreters are
also on hand.
CURT: So…what’s new today?
TIM: (reading the paper) Hmmm…looks
like Roger’s signed with the Yankees.
TIMLIN: (stifling a yawn) That so?
TIM: Uh huh. Says here that he’s back to help the
Yankees win the World Series.
JOSH: That so? That’s real nice of him. Argh.
Danged hangnail. Hand me those nail clippers.
CURT: For Pete’s sake, Josh, keep sharp objects
away from your fingers! Do you want to give the Nation a collective heart
attack?
SNYDER: Clemens coming back will pose a problem,
since we plan to win it this year. Someone’s gonna be disappointed in all
this.
CURT: Well, we don’t need him anyways. I mean, it
would’ve been nice if he came back…nice, but not necessary.
JULIAN: Weah! We don’t need no stinking Roger! And
if Manny doesn’t stop rubbing my head, I’ll kill him, I swear!!!
OKI: (through his interpreter) Roger
who?
TIMLIN: No one you need worry about, Oki. In fact,
he’s no one that ANY of us need worry about.
PAPELBON: (stifling a yawn) We don’t
need the guy. Our pitching staff rocks as it is.
DICE-K: (through his interpreter) It
would have been a pleasure to be in a rotation with him, but our lives do
not depend on it.
CURT: Nor do our championship chances. OK, next
news item? Anyone?
The scene cuts back to the present, to the
SORAD desk.
BUSTER: Wow. You can hear the terror in their
voices. Poor fools….
LANCE: They can try to deny it all they want,
Buster, but you just know that, deep down, every one of those Red Sox wanted
Roger back.
BUSTER: Truer words were never spoken. So what if
they have one of the best, if not THE best record in baseball. So what if
Josh Beckett is 7-0. So what if Dice-K pitched a fantastic first full game
and seems to be really starting to ramp up his performance. So what that
Okajima has been lights-out. So what if the bottom of the Sox order is
actually producing solid consistent hitting. Um..so what that…Wakefield’s
ERA is only… 2.41?!?! Um. Er. So…so…what that…er…
Buster and Lance look at each other,
uneasily.
BUSTER: Lance, you don’t think that if they keep
this up, they could actually….
LANCE: No. No way. They couldn’t. They just
couldn’t. They won’t. Not again….
BUSTER: Can’t happen. Won’t happen. Their hitting
is among the worst in baseball.
LANCE: Um..Buster? You’re not looking at this
year’s stats. Here. (he hands Buster a sheet of paper) Here’s
the Red Sox offense stats for this year so far.
BUSTER: (picking it up, reading it, going
pale, and shrieking) Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The scene cuts out and the screen goes black,
with “Technical Difficulties” flashing in big white letters. We hear sobbing
and crashing in the background, as if a few sportscasters were going
berserk. And if you listen very very carefully, you can hear the strains of
“Dirty Water” playing, quietly but ominously, in the background.
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APRIL SOX GAMES BRING MAY SORAD
By John "Startedin67" Terra May 5, 2007
WELL, THE SEASON’S
UNDERWAY, SO WE SEE OUR ESTEEMED HOSTS, BUSTER AND LANCE, SITTING BEHIND
THEIR SPORTY DESK AT SORAD STUDIOS. SIXTEEN VIDEO MONITORS ARE SET UP IN THE
BACKGROUND. EACH ONE SHOWS A BASEBALL GAME, EXCEPT THAT EACH ONE IS SHOWING
THE PRECISE SAME SCENE ON INFINITE LOOP, NAMELY A RED SOX FAN GETTING HIT ON
THE SHOULDER BY A FLYING SLICE OF PIZZA.
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: And we’re here with our April recap.
LANCE: And what an April it’s been!
BUSTER: Truer words were never spoken, Lance. And
of course, the top story of April was…
LANCE: Fenway fans throw food at each other!
BUSTER: (laughing) Oh that’s gonna be a web gem for
years to come.
LANCE: In fact, let’s just turn around, sit back,
and watch it for a while.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THAT’S PRECISELY WHAT THEY DO;
WATCHING THE SAME SCENE OVER AND OVER FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES, HOWLING AND
GIGGLING AS IF EACH TIME WAS THE FIRST TIME THEY EVER SAW IT. FINALLY, THEY
TURN BACK TO FACE THE CAMERAS, WIPING AWAY TEARS OF MIRTH.
BUSTER: Wooo! I never get tired of seeing that!
LANCE: You too, huh? Well, let’s see what else is
going on. Oh yeah. Sox in first place. Yankees noodling around the basement
of the division.
BUSTER: Yeah yeah yeah whatever. I just love the
way that slice of pizza sort of skims off the guy’s shoulder like…like…a
stone.
LANCE: …a cheese and tomato covered stone…
BUSTER: Yeah, a cheese and tomato covered stone,
skipping across the surface of a pond!
LANCE: That was very poetic, Buster.
BUSTER: Speaking of poetic, here’s a Haiku:
Very pricey Dice
Can’t seem to find the strike zone
The Red Sox are doomed
LANCE: Wow, Buster. That’s beautiful, man!!!
BUSTER: Thanks. But I guess we have to be fair;
Okajima, the hero in the shadows…
LANCE: Kagemusha
BUSTER: Geshunteit
LANCE: No, Buster. Kagemusha. It means “Shadow
Warrior”. It’s the title of a film by Akiro Kurosawa.
BUSTER: Wow, Lance, you’re showing quite an
education there. How very un-sports media of you.
LANCE: Yeah well, I have my moments.
BUSTER: Anyways, looks like Oki is the Red Sox
precious find of the year!
LANCE: Yeah, if only Tito doesn’t work him into the
ground.
BUSTER: Right, he probably will, and then the Sox
will be doomed. Again.
LANCE: This is probably a good time to bring out
our surprise special guest. We’ve grown up admiring this man and his tough,
gritty, sport journalism style. Let’s have a big SORAD welcome for…Dan
Shaughnessy!
DAN ENTERS, TAKES A SEAT BETWEEN LANCE AND BUSTER.
BUSTER: Dan, let me just start off by saying that
this is truly an honor to be in the presence of such a respected media
veteran and fellow sports journalist.
LANCE: I totally, totally agree! I’m so excited, I
feel like Tim McCarver in the Yankees locker room during team showers!
DAN: I’m glad you enjoy my work. Apparently, Curt
Schilling doesn’t….as he’ll inform you in his blog.
BUSTER: Um. Yeah. Well, he’s just a pitcher.
LANCE: Yeah and he’s old.
BUSTER: Sox probably won’t even re-sign him.
DAN: Oh, I don’t know about that….in his blog, he
seems quite confident that they’ll reach a deal.
LANCE: Well, maybe, Dan. But apparently they won’t
discuss that until the off-season.
DAN: I bet you read that in his blog….right!?
BUSTER: Say, Dan…let’s change the subject a bit.
So. That was some April by A-Rod wasn’t it?
LANCE: Yeah, you gotta admit that he’s turned it
around.
DAN: Oh sure, everyone’s noticed that and said as
much. Even Curt Schilling. In his blog.
LANCE: (LOOKING VISIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE) Um. Right.
Nice weather we’re having, don’t you think?
DAN: Not for long. Curt’s predicting increasing
cloudiness with a chance of showers by morning, temperatures moderating near
season averages for May….it’s all there, in his blog.
BUSTER: Dan, pull yourself together, man. You need
to stop this fixation of yours.
DAN: (SHRIEKING) Fixation of MINE!? MINE!?! Have
you read any of the articles/columns/blog entries on BDC!?!? You’re hard
pressed to find one of them that doesn’t make SOME sideways remark about
Curt’s blog! It’s not just me! And why is this happening? Because some
blowhard pitcher decided to start up his own blog!!!!!
LANCE: Dan, take it easy, dude!
DAN: (RUNNING AROUND THE STUDIO SHRIEKING!) Blog!
Blog! Blog! Blog! Aaaahahahahahahahaaa!
BUSTER: (CALLS OFF-CAMERA) Security! Bring out the
tranquilizer darts! Bag him and tag him!
LANCE: Let’s go to commercial…
THE SCENE SWITCHES TO A HOME SHOPPING NETWORK-LIKE
STUDIO. WE SEE SORAD’S FEMALE REPORTERS, BRANDY ALEXANDER AND AMBER AYLE,
ALL TEETH AND SMILES.
BRANDY: Hello, Red Sox Nation! Brandy Alexander
here!
AMBER: And I’m Amber Ayle!
BRANDY: And we have a special new product just for
Red Sox fans!
AMBER: A wonderful way to show your loyalty to our
fantastic team!
BRANDY: For a limited time only, SORAD, the Boston
Red Sox, and
Victoria’s Secret have
teamed up to produce a line of Red Sox intimate apparel.
AMBER: And half the proceeds go to charity, so that
makes it ok!
BRANDY: There’s the Manny Being Sexy ensemble, the
Doug Mirabellidancer outfit, “Mo Wily” panties, the J. D. Drawstring
camisole, the David Or-Tease brasserie..
AMBER: (giggles) To keep your Big Papis well
supported!
BRANDY: Good one, Amber! What else? Oh yes! The
Okie-Dokie Shadow Sports Bra!
AMBER: Unobtrusively supports you!
BRANDY: The Mike Low-rise jeans…
AMBER: Not exactly lingerie, but the joke works!
BRANDY: The Kevin You-Kiss-Us lipstick…
AMBER: And so much more!
BRANDY: We’d have loved to model these items…
THE SCENE CUTS TO A ROOM FULL OF MALE RED SOX FANS,
WATCHING INTENTLY
FANS: Yeah!! So would we! Puh-leeeeeeeze!!!!
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE GIRLS
AMBER: But that special show is available only on
DirectTV!
BRANDY: So, all you Red Sox fans who happen to be
female, transvestites, or Ed Wood impersonators, make sure you order now,
and show your loyalty to the team, from the pink ballcap on your head, to
the underwear under that World Series Championship t-shirt!
AMBER: Except for Brandy and me, ‘cause we don’t
wear anything under our Sox gear!
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE ROOM FULL OF MALE RED
SOX FANS
FANS: Auuuuughghghghghhhhhhh!!!!!
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE SORAD MAIN STUDIO. THE
PLACE IS AN UTTER SHAMBLES
BUSTER: Well. Thanks, girls, for that much-needed
distraction. Everything’s under control, though the damage is done.
LANCE: Look at this place. He’s a pretty efficient
one-man wrecking crew for such an old guy.
BUSTER: Perhaps it’s for the best that our next
segment takes place in one of our smaller studios, where we’ll be treated to
a very serious, yet very enlightening public service announcement.
THE CAMERAS PAN OVER TO A SMALLER SORAD STUDIO,
WHERE WE SEE A HALF DOZEN NATIVE AMERICANS DRESSED IN THEIR FULL REGALIA.
THE ACTIVE ROSTERS OF THE
CLEVELAND INDIANS AND THE
ATLANTA BRAVES STAND BEHIND THEM.
SPOKESMAN: Hello. I’m Daniel Redbear, spokesman for
the Native American Anti-Defamation League.
CLEVELAND INDIANS AND
ATLANTA BRAVES: And we’re the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves.
We’re in first place in our respective divisions! Yay!
SPOKESMAN: We are here to call attention to a grave
injustice being done to the Native American populations.
GRADY SIZEMORE: Yeah! As well as the Native
Americans in
Canada too!
SPOKESMAN: Er…yes. Anyways, it involves the word
“Scalpers”, and how it’s used to describe people who buy game tickets and
resell them at a big profit. It’s clear that this word has been lifted from
the practice common to some indigenous tribes to remove the scalps of their
defeated enemies. There’s a difference between a warrior getting a trophy
from a vanquished opponent, and some greedy low-life making a quick buck.
So, we are gathered here in a show of solidarity, to ask that the word
“scalping” not be used to describe this disgusting practice, and not call
such people “scalpers”. We ask that you please find another term to describe
them.
ASSISTANT SPOKESMAN: We suggest “leech”.
SPOKESMAN: Thank you for your time!
CLEVELAND INDIANS AND
ATLANTA BRAVES: We’re the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves. We’re in
first place in our respective divisions! Yay!
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE SORAD MAIN DESK
BUSTER: I don’t know about you, Lance. But I sure
learned something important in that last segment.
LANCE: Me too, Buster. Me too.
BUSTER: And now, it’s time for the “Huh?” Moment of
the Month. As some Red Sox fans may be aware, the Yankees are wallowing at
the bottom or near bottom, of the division. Plagued by injuries and a not
very impressive bullpen, the Yankees are struggling, although they have won
a recent handful of games.
LANCE: Now, the unusual part of all this, the part
that makes us go “Huh?”, is the apparent calmness coming from Yankee owner
George Steinbrenner.
BUSTER: I mean, let’s face it; if you’ve created a
reputation for yourself as an obnoxious, quick-tempered, controlling jerk,
and suddenly you stop, people begin to talk.
LANCE: Is he ill? Or is getting old?
BUSTER: We at SORAD, with the help of some hidden
cameras, have tracked the owners of that loveable rich sociopath, and we
have a surprising answer.
LANCE: George has been taking lessons in Calmness
and Niceness.
BUSTER: Roll the tape!
WE ARE TREATED TO A MONTAGE OF STEINBRENNER
MOMENTS…
….GEORGE SURROUNDED BY A PACK OF ADORABLE KITTENS,
PUPPIES, AND DUCKLINGS. A NICENESS INSTRUCTOR SHOWS HIM HOW TO PET THEM. HE
DOES SO, TENTATIVELY AT FIRST, THEN A WIDE GRIN BREAKS OUT ON HIS FACE AS HE
ENJOYS THEIR WARM FUZZINESS.
…GEORGE AND SOME FRESH-FACED YOUTHS AROUND A
CAMPFIRE, HAVING A SINGALONG. EVERYONE’S SINGING “KUMBUYA”
…GEORGE WITH A PAIR OF OVERSIZED HEADPHONES,
HELPING TO RECORD “WE ARE THE WORLD, PART TWO”.
…THE SCENE CUTS TO A MOUNTAIN, WHERE GEORGE,
DRESSED LIKE JULIE ANDREWS IN “THE SOUND OF MUSIC”, TWIRLS AROUND, ARMS
OUTSTRETCHED.
…FINALLY THE SCENE CUTS TO THE YANKEE CLUBHOUSE.
THE TEAM IS ASSEMBLED, ALL SMILES, AS THE BOSS ADDRESSES THEM. CASHMAN AND
TORRE ARE STANDING OFF TO ONE SIDE. CASHMAN LOOKS NERVOUS. TORRE LOOKS…WELL,
SINCE HE HAS THE SAME EXPRESSION FOR HAPPINESS, SADNESS, ANGER, RAGING LUST,
OR DEBILITATING CONSTIPATION, IT’S HARD TO TELL EXACTLY WHAT HIS EMOTIONAL
STATE IS.
GEORGE: …and so, even though we’re trailing the Ruh—ruh—ruhhhh--Redsox
by a handful of games, I have every reason to believe that we can make this
team a first-place team again, as long as we love and support each other,
stay positive, and of course, stay healthy. Because, like I always say…
DAMON SNEEZES AND THROWS OUT HIS BACK
DAMON: Arrrghghh! My vertebrae!!!!
GEORGE (LOOKS DUBIOUS) …like I always say…
HIDEKI MATSUI, WHO HAPPENS TO BE EATING SOME SUSHI,
ACCIDENTALLY SQUIRTS WASABI INTO HIS EYES.
MATSUI: (SCREAMS, AND RUNS FOR THE EXIT)
Aiiiiiiiieee! It burns! (HE SMACKS INTO A WALL, AND IS KNOCKED OUT COLD)
GEORGE (HIS FACE BEGINNING TO TURN A LITTLE RED):
…I always say…
GIAMBI COUGHS, AND HIS TESTICLES FALL OFF AND ROLL
ACROSS THE CLUBHOUSE FLOOR, WHERE MUSSINA SLIPS ON THEM AND CRASHES INTO A
LOCKER. HIS RIGHT ARM FALLS OFF, BOUNCES ACROSS THE ROOM AS IF ON A
TRAMPOLINE, AND THE INDEX AND MIDDLE FINGERS UNERRINGLY POKE FRUITBAT IN THE
EYES, THREE STOOGES STYLE.
RIVERA: Owwwwwww!!!!! A little help here!!!!
GEORGE: (EXPLODES) …I say, you bums better damn
well play better ball! I did not assemble the biggest payroll in history to
be made a laughingstock! Heads will roll, I swear! You’re all on the bubble!
And what’s more, I know where you all live! And I have your families in
custody! Cashman, gimme that cel phone!
BRIAN DOES SO, AND GEORGE SETS IT TO “SPEAKER” MODE
MRS RODRIGUEZ: Slappy dear? Is that you? The room
is dark and these ropes are tight!
A-ROD: Are you okay? What about Alexandra, Alex Jr,
Little A-Rod, Slappina, and Alex II?
CHORUS OF CHILDREN: We’re here, Daddy! It’s scary
here!
A-ROD: (TURNS TO GEORGE) You monster! If you hurt
them…
GEORGE: They’re fine for now…. They’re being kept
quite comfortable, safe and well-fed. But I think you should know, we’re
showing them non-stop episodes of American Idol.
A-ROD: (IN TEARS) You fiend!!!!!!
GEORGE: Gentlemen, I want a championship this year.
Or bad things will happen to all of you. Dismissed, gentlemen.
THE SCENE SWITCHES BACK TO SORAD. LANCE AND BUSTER
LOOK STUNNED.
LANCE: Um…well….alrighty then…
BUSTER: Well, at least he’s feeding his hostages
now….
LANCE: A sure sign that he’s definitely mellowing
out.
BUSTER: Well, April’s sure been an interesting
month.
LANCE: Oh yeah, we almost forgot.
Coco’s improving, Wily Mo’s hitting the ball, the Sox bullpen is doing its
job, Beckett’s undefeated, but who cares, right?
BUSTER: This is Buster Gutt and Lance Boyle,
signing off for now!
LANCE: And remember, the Oakland Athletics need
your support! Volunteer to be an Athletics Supporter today!
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START OF THE SEASON SORAD
By John "Startedin67" Terra April 5, 2007
THE OPENING SCENE SHOWS
BUSTER AND LANCE, BACK AT THE SORAD STUDIOS, AS SPRING TRAINING IS OVER AND
AT LAST, THE 2007 SEASON HAS BEGUN! BEHIND THEM WE SEE NUMEROUS MONITORS
SHOWING HIGHLIGHTS FROM MONDAY’S START OF THE NEW SEASON.
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: And once again, we’re here to see the start
of a new season.
LANCE: A new season of watching the Yanks take the
division….
BUSTER: A new season of roundly booing Barry
Bonds….
LANCE: A new season of trying to figure out what
kind of medication Ozzie Guillen is on!
BUSTER: And of course, a new season of downplaying
anything good the Red Sox do, and forecasting their doom as early in the
season as is humanly possible…
LANCE: …thereby giving us the credentials we need
should we ever interview for jobs in the
Boston sports media!
BUSTER: But our top story today is a special one,
Lance!
LANCE: That it is, Buster! The Powers That Be in
the MLB have taken a courageous stand and addressed a major concern plaguing
baseball today.
BUSTER: Let it never be said that the MLB brass
lacks the ability to take decisive action when the survival of the sport is
at stake.
LANCE: We’re talking here, of course, about the
MLB’s brave stance against old guys in the dugout.
BUSTER: You see them every once in a while, and
they seem harmless enough…usually trotted out during special occasions….
LANCE: …like antique silverware…
BUSTER: ...yes, exactly. Trotted out for throwing
the occasional first pitch, or a photo-op for a special team ceremony….
LANCE: But in the specific case of the Red Sox and
their “old friend” Johnny “Pesky”, the MLB has ruled that he needs to go sit
down in the seats, not take up valuable space in the dugout.
BUSTER: Yeah, I mean…you got this guy in the Red
Sox dugout, lurking around like some…lurking retired baseball player….who
knows what he’s doing to undermine the visiting team, or giving the Sox some
unquantifiable advantage?
LANCE: So, MLB told the Sox that paying the fines
is no longer enough. That Pesky fellow needs to sit down in the regular
seats, just like the rest of us.
BUSTER: And I say kudos to the MLB for putting
aside trivial matters like steroids, dubious cable/satellite packages, and
Hall of Fame eligibility for admitted gamblers, and courageously focusing
instead on this clear and present danger.
LANCE: Amen, Buster! In other news, the lowly,
crappy, Little-League caliber Kansas City Royals owned the Boston Red Sox in
the first game of the season. Curt “My Fingers Are Too Tired From Blogging"
Schilling was slapped around like a red-headed stepchild, as the Royals
routed Red Sox, 7-1.
BUSTER: In other news, the Mighty New York Yankees,
the odds-on favorites to win it all according to Premature Exclamations Inc,
had a stirring victory against the super-powerful
Tampa Bay team.
LANCE: And that was quite a feat, considering the
sheer power of the TB bullpen.
BUSTER: It’s nice to see the underdogs triumphing
over diversity.
LANCE: In yet other news, Trot “Tricky Dick” Nixon
had a great debut with
Cleveland.
BUSTER: Which proves conclusively that the Red Sox
keep making mistakes in deciding who stays and who goes.
LANCE: Also, Varitek is doomed, Pedroia can’t run
bases, Okajima gave up a home run on his FIRST pitch, and Papi failed to
deliver a walkoff homerun.
BUSTER: And don’t forget: Paps didn’t get a save!
LANCE: Whoa, Buster! The Red Sox better be careful!
Looks like this won’t be a good year for them!
BUSTER: It certainly doesn’t, Lance. But now,
here’s a word from our sponsor.
THE SCENE CUTS TO SALLY STRUTHERS STANDING IN FRONT
OF A SCREEN WITH THE WORDS “PROJECT A13” EMBLAZONED ON THEM, BIG BLUE
LETTERS AGAINST A PINSTRIPED BACKGROUND.
SALLY: Hello, I’m Sally Struthers. You may remember
me as the svelte Gloria Bunker in All in the Family, before I ate my cast
members and acquired the approximate mass of
Taiwan. Usually, I reserve my time for doing children’s charity commercials,
where I do my best to make everyone out there squirm with guilt. But today
I’m taking a different charity case under my wing.
It’s amazing how crippling a harsh word or a “boo”
can be to someone. Conversely, it’s amazing how a simple kind word or a
small cheer can improve someone’s spirits, and thus their performance, so
much.
Project A13 was formed to create a nurturing,
supportive environment for Alex Rodriguez, or, as I like to call him, The
Saddest, Loneliest Yankee. Rather than booing Slap…er…A-Rod, the Project
says “hey…let’s cheer this poor man on, and watch him flourish like a
pinstriped flower, opening his petals to accept the raindrops of praise from
Yankee fans all over the world.
So, I’m here to endorse this wonderful humanitarian
movement. And for a limited time only, if you stand up and cheer the man,
then I won’t come back on television and attempt to lay on another guilt
trip. Now, here’s a special musical number commemorating this new movement.
WE SEE A HUGE CROWD OF SCARY-LOOKING CABBIES,
WINOS, YUPPIES, HOOKERS, NEANDERTHALS WITH BACKWARDS-TURNED YANKEE CAPS,
BILLY CRYSTAL, SPIKE LEE, ALL HOLDING HANDS AS THE MUSIC FOR “WE ARE THE
WORLD” STARTS UP. VARIOUS PEOPLE SING THE LINES OF THE SONG:
There comes a time, when we heed baseball’s call
For Yanks fans, to come together as one
Alex’s spirits are dying
So it’s time to lend a hand
To A-Rod…the greatest player of all.
Cause we can’t go on, booing day by day
As A-Rod, fails to come through in the clutch
And we’re all a part, of George’s pinstriped family
And you know, he’s paying A-Rod so much….
SPIKE LEE STANDS UP TO SING THE CHORUS
We are the fans
We are the Yankees
We are the ones who throw our own filth
When we see Red Sox
It’s a choice we’re making
We won’t boo him no more
But if he don’t come through for us
He’s out the door….
EVERYONE JOINS IN, SWAYING, AS THEY REPEAT THE
CHORUS OVER AND OVER
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE SORAD DESK. BOTH MEN ARE
IN TEARS.
BUSTER: That…was wonderful
LANCE: Who says that Yanks fans have no class? I
swear, that was so moving, I’m betting Tim McCarver’s having a private
moment right this moment, with some Kleenex and hand lotion.
BUSTER: Probably not…it wasn’t about Jeter.
LANCE: Oooh, good point.
BUSTER: Anyways, thanks to the stupid FCC, we need
to present an opposing viewpoint.
LANCE: So, here’s Red Sox fan, Farted In 67.
VOICE OFF CAMERA: That’s “Started!”
LANCE: Whooops. Sorry. Here’s Started Farting in
67.
THE SCENE CUTS TO THE OLD ‘LETS GET STARTED’ TALK
SHOW SET, WHERE WE SEE STARTEDIN67 AND HIS TALK-SHOW SIDEKICK, COSGROVE THE
BLOOD-SOAKED SOCK PUPPET, SITTING BEHIND A DESK.
STARTEDIN67: So. The Sox lost and the Yankees won?
And that’s the basis of these dire predictions? Please. Yeah, the Yanks
won...but they did the lions-share of the damage AFTER Kazmir left and put
the game in the not-so-able hands of the TB bullpen. And that includes
Slappy’s homer. Seems to me he’s still keeping to type…when it doesn’t
matter, he comes through.
COSGROVE: Yeah! And as for the Sox, Schilling has a
bad history at KC’s park, so what are you gonna do? Besides, let’s show just
how much winning that first game really means….I seem to recall that the Sox
lost their first game in a crazy little season called…..2004!!!!!
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE YANKEE SINGERS WHO, UPON
HEARING THE TERM ‘2004’ IMMEDIATELY BEGIN CLASPING THEIR HANDS OVER THEIR
EARS AND SHRIEKING LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF ‘INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS’.
GENERAL CHAOS ENSUES AS THE YANKS FANS SCRAMBLE TO ESCAPE, CAUSING
WIDESPREAD RIOTING AND LOOTING TO BREAK OUT.
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE SORAD DESK
BUSTER (disgusted): Well now. THAT was uncalled
for…
LANCE: That’s Red Sox fans for you…stubbornly
refusing the give up even though their team’s already been eliminated from
contention.
BUSTER: Well, that’s all the time we have for
today! This is Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle…
BUSTER AND LANCE: ….saying “good night and have a
great…something….baseball-like!”
AS THE STUDIO GOES DARK AND THE SORAD NOISES CEASE,
WE STILL CAN FAINTLY HEAR THE YANKEE RIOTERS, AS WELL AS SIRENS APPROACHING.
RIOTERS: Hisssss!!! Don’t say that dread year
again! It burns! It burns us, Precious!!!!!
RIOTERS: Gives us a new World Series ring,
Precious….It’s ours birthday! Hssssss!!!!!
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SPRING TRAINING MANIA PT 4
By John "Startedin67" Terra March 24, 2007
THE
OPENING SCENE SHOWS A HUGE SIGN READING “WELCOME TO FORT MYERS; HOME OF RED
SOX SPRING TRAINING. OTHER TEAMS PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WET YOUR PANTS IN
FEAR!.” WE SEE OUR SORAD HOSTS, EACH WITH A HEADSET/MICROPHONE, BOTH LOOKING
LIKE THEY’RE ABOUT TO EXPLODE WITH EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…Holy crap!
I can’t believe this!!!
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And I can’t believe it
either. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: And once again, we’re live, Live,
LIVE!!!!.....from
Fort
Myers and the Red Sox Spring Training camp!
LANCE: Named after those well-known wieners whose
first name is “Oscar!”
BUSTER: Speaking of well-known wieners, we’ll have
news on Johnny Damon later on. But now…
LANCE: Stop the presses! Just stop the freaking
presses! Manny Ramirez is selling grills!!!!!
BUSTER: If any story out of Spring Training
deserves coverage, it’s this! The man…is selling…grills!!
LANCE: Wow..!!! On E-Bay no less!
BUSTER: For a friend!
LANCE: Move over, George Forman! Here comes the
Manny Ramirez Grill!
BUSTER: And we’ll be airing a commercial for that
later! But..yeah…wow….grills. Manny and grills. Wow. Who’d have thought it.
If this isn’t newsworthy, I don’t know what is!
LANCE: Oh, in other news, Varitek hit a home run
today against the Oreos.
BUSTER: That’s the way the cookie crumbles, Lance.
LANCE: Especially when you dunk those Oreos in
milk.
BUSTER: I don’t think Kevin Millar would like to be
dunked in milk…
LANCE: …bourbon yes, but not milk…
BUSTER: Oh yeah, and something here about
Papelbon’s finally getting closure.
LANCE: Sounds like he was in a bad relationship.
BUSTER: Yeah, the copy is kinda blurred and runny
because I was spraying so much saliva in my excitement over the Manny
story…but from what I can make out on the sheet, Papelbon was chosen to be
one of the Red Sox five friends of StartedIn67, called “The Five Starteds”,
but it didn’t work out, and now Papelbon has closure on the whole matter.
LANCE: Friendships are tricky things, Lance. Just
ask A-Rod and Jeter.
BUSTER: Aw, I think those two crazy pin-striped
crazy kids can make it work….
LANCE AND BUSTER: (Singing) You’re gonna make it
after aaa-allll…..
BUSTER: Beautiful. Speaking of which, the Yankees
refuse to give A-Rod an extension.
LANCE: Why does he need an extension? He’d look
silly with a fake ponytail attached to his regulation Yankee haircut. Good
for the Yankees front office for holding fast with the rules and
regulations.
BUSTER: Um…Lance…that’s a “contract
extension”…there’s the chance A-Rod won’t be around after the end of this
season.
LANCE: (REALIZATION DAWNS) OOoooohhh….okay…got it.
Well, clearly this is an ingenious tactic by the Yankee front office to
challenge A-Rod to perform amazing things this year. They’re saying ‘Hey!
A-Rod, you crazy knucklehead! If you can’t be a champion, we’re gonna have
to let go of ya!’, while of course they really don’t mean it…they’re just
lighting a fire under the most gifted athlete in the age of modern baseball.
BUSTER: Is that what it is? Wow….Those guys are
geniuses!
LANCE: Yup. In other news, the Sox sent a few
random players down to the minors. Of course.
BUSTER: Cruel, cruel management… shattering
people’s dreams like that.
LANCE: I heard tell that Curt Schilling’s blog has
coded messages that include instructions to the front office, explaining
what they should be doing. Apparently, Curt secretly runs the team.
BUSTER: A-HA! I knew that somehow, Schilling was
involved in this!
LANCE: Yup…Shaughnessy’s been right all along.
BUSTER: Good ol’ Dan. Cut him, and he bleeds Red
Sox red!
LANCE: (LOOKING UNSETTLED) Um…actually, not so. I
happened to be around when he accidentally cut himself on a Sharpie. An
eerie purple-black light shone from the cut, and I heard a sound like a
howling wind….and the sky turned dark, and buzzards circled overhead. Then
he quickly slapped a band-aid on it, and everything went back to normal.
BUSTER: (LOOKS ASKANCE AT LANCE) Umm…ok…sure…(TURNS
BACK TO THE AUDIENCE) So aaaanyways!!!! We’ll be right back with more Spring
Training SORAD after this commercial message.
WE SEE AN IDYLLIC SUMMER COOKOUT SCENE. SEVERAL
FAMILIES ARE ENJOYING THE USUAL BARBECUE AMENITIES, AS ONE OF THE DADS COOKS
AT A GRILL WITH THE NUMBER 24 EMBLAZONED ON THE SIDE. THE GRILL ALSO SPORTS
A SET OF DREADLOCKS.
VOICEOVER: This summer, when you barbecue, why not
do it with an official Manny Ramirez grill? The Manny Ramirez Grill hits a
homerun when it comes to cooking summer food to perfection! Just listen to
these satisfied customers!
THE SCENE SWITCHES TO A SUCCESSION OF PEOPLE BEING
INTERVIEWED.
CUSTOMER #1: My Manny Grill works wonderfully, but
it keeps wandering off. One day I found it hiding under the porch. Spooky.
CUSTOMER #2: My Manny Grill went missing a few days
before our inaugural summer barbecue. After a few phone calls, I tracked it
down. It was in a backyard in
Bodega
Bay, California, visiting its uncle, a riding lawnmower, that was apparently
very sick.
CUSTOMER: #3: I put four burgers in the grill,
closed the cover, and let them cook for ten minutes. When I opened the
cover, the burgers had transformed into bratwurst. That was unsettling. Damn
tasty brat tho.
THE SCENE CHANGES AGAIN, AND WE SEE MANNY STANDING
BESIDE A MANNY GRILL.
MANNY: Hi, I’m Manny Ramirez of the Boston Braves,
and I’m here to tell you that you should contribute whatever you can to help
out the Jimmy Fund. Too many brave little boys and girls don’t have jimmies
on their ice cream. They get so sad, that they get sick. Sick kids, that’s
so sad. So. You give money to the Jimmy Fund, the people buy the kids
jimmies for their ice cream, the kids are happy, and not so sick anymore!
Yay! (HE LOOKS OFF-CAMERA, WHERE SOMEONE’S TALKING TO HIM FRANTICALLY) What?
Huh? Oh. OK. (MANNY LOOKS BACK AT THE AUDIENCE AND WAVES) Bye!!!
AND NOW, BACK TO SORAD
BUSTER: Manny Ramirez….what a guy.
LANCE: Yep, that’s a classic case of “Manny being
confusing”.
BUSTER: Speaking of confusing, here’s a live report
from
Fenway
Park, with our raving correspondents, Brandy Alexander and Amber Ayle.
THE SCENE SWITCHES TO
OUTSIDE FENWAY PARK. ALTHOUGH THERE’S A FEW PILES OF SNOW, IT’S CLEAR THAT
THERE’S A WHOLE LOTTA MELTING GOING ON. BRANDY AND AMBER ARE STANDING ON
YAWKEY WAY, HOLDING MICROPHONES AND GRINNING VACUOUSLY. EACH WOMAN IS
DRESSED IN A TANK TOP TWO SIZES TWO SMALL, AND JEANS THAT REDEFINE THE WORD
“TIGHT”.
BRANDY: Hi everyone! I’m Brandy Alexander!
AMBER: And I’m Amber Ayle! Opening Day is right
around the corner! So we decided to come on out here and interview some of
the fans. Excuse me, sir? How do you describe the Sox starting pitching
rotation?
RANDOM GUY: (DROOLING AND STARING)
….Tight…So…tight….
BRANDY: Yes, they really do look good this year,
don’t they? How about you, sir? What’s your impression of the Red Sox
arch-enemies, the New York Yankees?
ANOTHER RANDOM GUY (DROOLING AND STARING AT THE
GIRLS EVEN MORE): ….boobs….
AMBER: Yeah, they are a bunch of dummies, aren’t
they? How about you, mister? How would you describe the Red Sox chances of
winning the World Series this year?
YET ANOTHER RANDOM GUY (SWEATING, DROOLING, EYES
BULGING): ….massive…outstanding…well-proportioned…
BRANDY: I couldn’t agree more! The team looks like
they really want it this year! (TURNS TO THE CAMERA) And there you have it!
Red Sox Nation is really excited about the 2007 season! Back to you guys!
AND YES, WE’RE BACK TO THE SORAD GUYS (sorry)
BUSTER: Thank you, girls! And now, our next item!
Johnny Damon, former Sox superstar and now a Yankee Doodle Dandy, says that
the Yankees this year are a “great team”!
LANCE: Wow..today is just a cornucopia of
newsworthiness!
BUSTER: And if Johnny says the Yankees are great
this year, then, Hell, it must be so!
LANCE: Yup. If that’s what he’s saying, it’s
clearly true. Can’t argue with that.
BUSTER: And now, speaking of Yankees, another word
from another sponsor.
WE SEE A DARK STAGE…THEN A SINGLE SPOTLIGHT SHINES
DOWN ON A STOOL. SITTING THERE, DRESSED IN A CRUSHED BLUE VELVET TUX AND
CLUTCHING A MICROPHONE, IS ALEX RODRIGUEZ.
ANNOUNCER: He’s a successful children’s book
author, one of the greatest living ballplayers, and now, Alex Rodriguez
takes on the world of song, and comes through in the clutch! For a limited
time only, YES Records is offering “Alex Rodriguez Sings!!!!” Who can forget
his rendition of the Police’s “I Can’t Stand Losing You?”
A-ROD: “…so at last I’ll say good bye.
The fans don’t care, so I won’t try!
The NY press says I’m to blame
And George Steinbrenner won’t say my name!
I guess you call me the anti-clutch
But all your taunts don’t bother me much
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand choking. I can’t, I
can’t, I can’t stand choking…
ANNOUNCER: And how about this nugget from The
Clash, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
A-ROD: “New
York you gotta let me know…
Should I stay or should I go?
If you stay then I’ll be happy..
I’ll be your bestest buddy Slappy….
But you gotta let me know…
Should I stay or should I go?
ANNOUNCER: And what’s a collection of Yankees songs
without Frank Sinatra’s signature hit, done the way only Alex can do it? Who
needs Ol’ Blue Eyes when you have Ol’ Blue Lips?
A-ROD: “Have you seen the news?
I’m going away.
I’ve just plain had enough of it
New York, New York
My lips that are blue
Are dying to say
I want to stay a part of it
In old New York
So if you say you care
I won’t go anywhere
It’s up to you…New York, Ne-ew Yoooork!”
ANNOUNCER: Order now! These songs, like Alex, may
not be around long!
THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO SORAD
BUSTER: You know, when A-Rod sings a song, he makes
it his forever.
LANCE: Truly a handsome, talented, gifted man
BUSTER: And very humble
LANCE: Very.
BUSTER: So, this is Buster Gutt and Lance Boyle
saying “Seeya next week”, as we bring you more excitement from this rapidly
shrinking Spring Training!
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SPRING TRAINING MANIA PT 3
By John "Startedin67" Terra March 14, 2007
THE
OPENING SCENE SHOWS A HUGE SIGN READING “WELCOME TO FORT MYERS; HOME OF RED
SOX SPRING TRAINING, RABID FANS, AND A HELLUVA LOT OF JOURNALISTS.” WE SEE
OUR SORAD HOSTS, EACH WITH A HEADSET/MICROPHONE, BOTH LOOKING LIKE THEY’VE
SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME IN THE SUN. BEHIND THEM LOOMS A HUGE PORTABLE VIDEO
SCREEN.
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: And once again, we’re live, Live,
LIVE!!!!.....from
Fort
Myers and the Red Sox Spring Training camp!
LANCE: Named after that former SNL funny guy, Mike
Myers! Party on! Excellent!
BUSTER: No time for trivia now, Lance! We’ve got a
show to end all shows today! Move over, Yankees! The Red Sox have a new
mortal enemy! Two words: The Detroit Tigers!
LANCE: Also on this show, “When Samurai collide!”
As we show exclusive footage of the first MLB meeting between Dice-K and
Hideki Matsui!
BUSTER: Wow…real Godzilla vs Rodan stuff there,
Lance! And speaking of Dice-K….call him the Tumbling Dice, as his recent
crappy performance against the Orioles show that he’s a failure!
LANCE: Oh wow….that bodes ill for the Sox.
BUSTER: That it does. Also, who’ll be the Sox
closer? Can their starting rotation remain healthy? Will the bullpen hold
together? Our newest correspondent, Flopkick Murray O’Jeez, otherwise known
as “The Eternally Worried Sox Fan,” gives us his report.
LANCE: Oh, and in other news, the Sox beat the
Yankees in their only Spring Training match-up, but who cares.
BUSTER: True words, Lance, but now, on to our first
story.
(THE HUGE VIDEO SCREEN BEHIND OUR HOSTS SHOWS A
CUDDLY TIGER CUB PLAYFULLY CHEWING A TATTER RED SOCK)
BUSTER: Move over,
New
York. You’re yesterday’s news when it comes to rivalries. Make way for a new
Red Sox mortal enemy, coming at you like a Detroit Diesel.
LANCE: That’s right, Buster! Josh “Bean ball”
Beckett bitch-slapped a few Tigers, namely
Gary
“Larson’s Far Side” Sheffield and Magglio “What Kind of First Name Is That
Anyway?” Ordonez, with some well-placed fast balls, which invited
retaliation from Todd “Alias Smith And” Jones, as he rocketed a fastball
right at the buttocks of J. D. Drew “Barrymore”.
BUSTER: And the rivalry is sure to hit a Fever
Pitch soon! Here’s hoping that no Sox pitcher will need to “Fallon” his
sword for the good of the team!
LANCE: Benches and bullpens were emptied faster
than clogged sinuses after a particularly vicious sneeze, as both teams went
at each other, hammer and tongs!
BUSTER: Geez, were we watching the Red Sox vs the
Tigers, or the Bruins vs the Red Wings?
LANCE: And here’s some footage of our interview
with Josh “War Criminal” Beckett.
(WE SEE JOSH BECKETT WITH A MICROPHONE)
JOSH: Look, I didn’t hit those guys on purpose. I
love the Detroit Tigers. We all do, after they beat the Yankees last year in
the post-season. Listen, I even wrote a poem about them:
(JOSH PROCEEDS TO BOUNCE AROUND THE ROOM LIKE
SOMETHING OUT OF A WINNIE THE POOH CARTOON)
JOSH: Ooooo hoo hoo hoo! The wonderful thing about
Tigers, is Tigers are wonderful things! They schooled the New York Yankees,
and denied them another ring! They’re plucky, yucky, semi-sucky, fun fun fun
fun fun! And the most wonderful things about Tigers is that I don’t wanna be
one!
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO LANCE AND BUSTER)
BUSTER: Now that’s reporting at its finest.
LANCE: True, true…But now…..”When Samurai Collide!”
BUSTER: (REALLY EXCITED) YYYYYYYyessss!!!! The
recent Sox-Yanks pre-season bout showcased the dramatic first major-league
face-to-face meeting between Sox pitchers Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki
Okajima, and Yankees outfielder Hideki Matsui.
LANCE: The tension in the air was so thick you
could cut it with a Ginsu knife. You could just tell that they all just
wanted to unload on each other with samurai swords.
BUSTER: Really. But what was with all that bowing?
LANCE: Well, I’ve done some research on Japanese
culture....and the bowing means “I wish to rip your lungs out and place them
in a bucket”.
BUSTER: I see. Wow. Well, fans who want to have
that momentous moment preserved for all time are in luck. For a limited time
only, MLB has authorized the Franklin Mint to create a new collector’s
plate. This one, called “When East Meets East,” forever immortalizes this
historic first meeting.
LANCE: And when people ask “Where were you when
Hideki met Dice and…the other Hideki guy?”, you can just hold up this plate!
BUSTER: You get the plate, a Certificate of
Authenticity, and, for the first 35,000 who order, a hilarious gag talking
bottle-cap opener.
LANCE: This one screams swears at you in Japanese!
BUSTER: Fun for the whole family! Order now! MLB
needs your money!
LANCE: Oh, by the way…here’s a little joke I made
up. What do you call a midget samurai?
BUSTER: No idea.
LANCE: A sawed-off shogun!
Baaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahhaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
BUSTER: Wow…that’s really sad, Lance. Really.
That…that just plain sucked.
LANCE: Oh yeah, like your Fever Pitch/Jimmy Fallon
joke was the pinnacle of humor, right?
BUSTER: Hey, let’s not go all Japanese Major
Leaguers on each other, Lance! We have a show to do!
LANCE: Right you are, Buster! Speaking of Dice-K,
the word’s in! Vastly Overrated!
BUSTER: The Orioles kicked him around, and he
showed the fielding skills of your average sashimi platter.
LANCE: I can’t believe the Sox paid 3.2 billion
dollars for this guy.
BUSTER: Rumor has it that all of
Japan’s major league players have offered to commit seppuku to save face.
Apparently, the Baltimore Orioles just caught him totally by surprise!!!!
LANCE: It’s like
Pearl
Harbor in reverse! What would that be called, anyway?
BUSTER: Arot! Arot! Arot!
(A-ROD BURSTS IN)
A-ROD: (HOPEFULLY) Someone call? Someone need a
kids’ book written? An inspirational message of hope? 500 home runs?
LANCE: No, we said “Arot!” as in, “Tora!” spelled
backwards.
(A RABBI WALKS IN WITH A SCROLL)
RABBI: Someone wants a Torah?
BUSTER: No! NO! Tora! Tora! Tora!
LANCE: You know…..World War 2!
Pearl
Harbor! The Arizona….?
(RANDY JOHNSON WALKS IN)
RANDY: What about
Arizona???
LANCE: Look! All of you! Out! Now!!!!! We’re trying
to do a broadcast here!
RABBI: (HOLDING UP HIS HANDS) OK, ok no need to
shout already! I can tell when I’m not wanted! I’m going! I’m going! See?
Watch me go!
A-ROD: (BURSTS INTO TEARS) Why doesn’t anyone LIKE
me!!?! I need a hug!
RANDY: (TO LANCE) You got a purdy mouth….
LANCE: Eeep!
(FORTUNATELY, SECURITY IS ON HAND TO USHER THE
INTRUDERS OUT)
LANCE: So..where were we? Oh yeah. Just call the
Sox new pitcher “Matsusuckage”….
BUSTER: Whoa! The Red Sox better be careful! Looks
like this won’t be a good year for them!
LANCE: It certainly doesn’t, Buster. Game over,
Sox! Thanks for playing! Maybe 2008 will be better for you!
BUSTER: And now, our Doom and Gloom Analyst,
Flopkick Murray O’Jeez, with his list of things to worry about for the 2007
Sox!
LANCE: Wait, Buster! We got a last-minute
pre-emption! Baseball Commissioner Bud “Wiser” Selig wishes to address the
audience regarding the deal between MLB and DirectTV.
(THE SCENE SWITCHES TO A STUDIO, WHERE BUD SELIG IS
SITTING BEHIND A DESK, HANDS FOLDED IN FRONT OF HIM, SMILING BENIGNLY)
BUD SELIG: Hello, everyone. My name’s Bud Selig.
You may remember me from “The World Baseball Classic” and “Interleague
Play”. Now, it’s come to my attention that a few isolated cranky individuals
are complaining about the exclusive deal cut between MLB and those wonderful
lovely people at DirecTV. Just to show how much MLB cares about even the
feelings of a few misinformed malcontents, I, Commissioner Bud Selig, have
taken time from my busy schedule, to address this matter. Hit it, Al…
(THE
BATTLE
HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC STRIKES UP)
BUD SELIG: Baseball…America’s
favorite pastime. Making money…America’s other favorite pastime. These two
ideals go together like Abbott and Costello, Bonnie and Clyde, McCarver’s
Lips and the Seats of Any Pair of Yankee Uniform Pants. In order to keep
baseball great, we need great profits. Not minor league profits, people. Not
bush league, not Little League, no. And this new sweetheart deal with
DirecTV will keep the “major” in Major League Baseball. Lord knows, we need
the money. We’re sucking air financially. We’ve made zilch on merchandise
from last year’s World Series, because no one gave a festering rat’s crap
about the Cardinals. Except for David Eckstein. Who, incidentally, has a new
stipulation in his contract that any article written about him must include
the word “plucky”.
Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Money. So a few people
can’t see the Extra Innings out-of-market package. Well, greatness demands
sacrifice. Any major league ballplayer will tell you that sometimes, you
gotta take one for the team in order to secure a win. So, to that miniscule
amount of upset people who lose out on something as insignificant as Extra
Innings so that impoverished MLB remains solvent and prosperous, we at Major
League Baseball say “Well done. To us, you’re Hall of Famers…each and every
one of you!” (BUD SALUTES, AS A TEAR RUNS DOWN HIS CHEEK) This has been Bud
Selig addressing you…good night, and God bless.
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO BUSTER AND LANCE, AND
THEY’RE OPENLY WEEPING)
BUSTER: I swear to God, the man was channeling Abe
Lincoln.
LANCE: We…we’re too overcome to go on…we had
planned to cut to some footage of Brandy Alexander and Amber Ayle trying on
lingerie during a recent shopping tip, but here’s a Dunkin Donuts commercial
instead.
(QUICK REACTION CUT TO SELECTED MALE SORAD VIEWERS)
VIEWERS (SCREAMING IN DISGUST) Oh, %^&* me with a
chainsaw!!!!
(THE PICTURE CUTS TO
MAIN
STREET, EVERYTOWN USA, WHERE TOWNSFOLK STIFFLY STAGGER ABOUT THEIR DAILY
BUSINESS IN A SLEEPY DAZE, WALKING AND MOVING LIKE THE LIVING DEAD. IT’S
CLEAR THEY’RE BARELY AWAKE)
VOICE OVER SONG: Doing things is what we’re forced
to do! NNNggghh! Doing things is what we have to do! Huuurrrk! We bought
this lovely stimulant at the Dunkins store. We’re slightly less brain dead
now than we were before. Doing things is what we have to do! Buhhhh!
VOICE OVER ANNOUNCER: Dunkin Donuts coffee is the
perfect stimulant to jump-start those sleep-deprived brain-cells. And, for
that extra jolt of white sugar, order a donut to go with it. What the Hell.
You’re so fried and hung over that two hours from now, you won’t even
remember buying it. That’ll teach you to go on a Tequila-soaked bender on a
week-night. And good luck explaining to your neighbor how could you woke up
on his front lawn, in a passionate embrace with his Rottweiller. Now drink
your damned Dunkin’s coffee and get out of here.
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO SORAD)
BUSTER: In other Spring Training news, the Sox made
some cuts, and signed a few players to one-year contracts.
LANCE: Bo-ring! If you want details such as names,
you can look them up somewhere. I dunno….try the Buzz, or the Fuzz, or
whatever it’s called.
BUSTER: Also,
Gary
“H.M.S” Sheffield admits he wanted to play for the Red Sox.
LANCE: Yeah, whatever. Yadda yadda yadda…
BUSTER: And I think I read something somewhere
about Gabe Kapler being happy.
LANCE: Well, whoop-de-doo for him.
BUSTER: And that about wraps it up for another
edition of S..,
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MORE SPRING TRAINING MANIA!!!
By John "Startedin67" Terra February 27, 2007
WE SEE GREEN GRASS, BLUE
SKIES, AND NOT A TRACE OF SNOW. CLEARLY, THIS IS STILL NOT NEW ENGLAND. AS
THE CAMERA PANS AROUND, WE SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS “WELCOME TO FT. MYERS, HOME
OF THE BOSTON RED SOX SPRING TRAINING FACILITY”. AS THE CAMERA CONTINUES
PANNING, WE CATCH SIGHT OF OUR SORAD HOSTS, EACH WITH A HEADSET/MICROPHONE,
LOOKING EVEN MORE TANNED, BUT NOT AS FIT.
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: And once again, we’re live, Live,
LIVE!!!!.....from
Fort Myers and the Red
Sox Spring Training camp!
LANCE: Named after that unkillable mass-murderer of
Halloween fame, Michael Myers!!
BUSTER: No time for trivia now, Lance! Holy
guacamole! Stop the presses! Gifted baseball man-child Manny Ramirez, the
Dreadlocked Dominican Devastator, has reported to Spring Training THREE
WHOLE DAYS before his scheduled March 1st arrival! And we’re all a bunch of
raving Manny-acs over this new development!
LANCE: (IN A SQUEALY VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN ODD
COMBINATION OF A SHRIEKING PRE-TEEN GIRL AND THE DEATH-KEEN OF A RABBIT) I’m
so excited, I can hardly contain myself!
BUSTER: You’d better, Lance, because we’re about to
shift to our live feed, where the media is flocking over to Manny’s agents
to get a few words.
(THE SCENE SWITCHES, AND WE SEE FOOTAGE OF A PACK
OF WILD, SLAVERING DOGS RUNNING ACROSS A GREEN FIELD)
PACK OF WILD, SLAVERING DOGS: Ahwwoooooooooooooo!!!!
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO BUSTER AND LANCE)
BUSTER: Whoops. Wrong footage.
LANCE: Er…buster? That was the RIGHT footage, looks
like…
BUSTER: Welllll alrighty then! Let’s switch over to
the press conference, now in session!
(THE SCENE CUTS TO A HASTILY ASSEMBLED PRESS
CONFERENCE, WHERE MANNY’S AGENTS, GREG GENSKE AND GENE MATOS, ARE FIELDING
QUESTIONS)
REPORTER 1: Why did Manny come to Spring Training
earlier than previously announced?
GENSKE: Because he did.
REPORTER 2: What about the car auction?
GENSKE: Dunno…
REPORTER 3: Is Manny a festering well of resentment
right now?
MATOS: Dunno…ask him if you want.
REPORTER 4: Would you characterize Manny’s wife as
“hot” or “smokin’ hot”?
GENSKE: Wha??
REPORTER 5: Just how big of a bat does Manny swing,
if you know what I mean….wink wink…
MATOS: What the….
REPORTER 6: Any truth to the rumors that Manny
washes his hair in clam broth and dances for a flea circus during the
off-season?
GENSKE: ………..
REPORTER 7: Does Manny wear boxers, briefs, or does
he go commando…?
MATOS: I hardly think that’s….
REPORTER 8: What about YOU? Is it boxer, briefs, or
au naturel, baby?
GENSKE: Gahh!
(THE FEED IS SUDDENLY CUT…AND THE SCENE GOES BACK
TO BUSTER. LANCE IS NOT THERE)
BUSTER: Well, that was certainly informative. But
now, let’s deviate from Manny juuuuust a tad. Lance has managed to get a few
words out of Hideki Okajima, which is Japanese for “the other Japanese
pitcher we got during the off-season.” Take it away, Lance!
(WE SEE LANCE STANDING NEXT TO HIDEKI)
LANCE: So, Hideki! Glad to be on the Red Sox?
HIDEKI: Yes
LANCE: That’s quite a ruckus that the media’s
making over Dice.
HIDEKI: Yes.
LANCE: Doesn’t that bug you?
HIDEKI: No.
LANCE: Come on….it’s ok…let it out. It bugs you,
doesn’t it?
HIDEKI: No. Really.
LANCE: (CONSPIRATORIALY PUTS AN ARM AROUND HIDEKI
AND DRAWS CLOSER) Hey pal, it’s ok. Really. Just our little secret. Doesn’t
it bother you? Just a little?
HIDEKI: No.
LANCE: (LOOKING INCREASINGLY AGITATED) Not even a
little?
HIDEKI: No.
LANCE: Er…maybe I’m not using the right
words…what’s the Japanese word… Um…un poco?
HIDEKI: What?
LANCE: Er…domo
arigato…er…Kurasawa….um….Miyagi-san…er…
HIDEKI: Screw this, I’m going to pitch to Drew now.
Sayonara, hoser. (HE EXITS STAGE RIGHT)
LANCE: (TEARS FLOWING DOWN HIS FACE AS HE SCREAMS
AFTER HIM) You can try to keep it inside, man…but I know there’s tears of a
clown there, when there’s no one else around…It bugs you man, it bugs you. I
know it bugs you! (TURNS TO THE CAMERA). The man’s in denial, Buster! This
is gonna blow up in the Red Sox’s faces this year, you just know it! Aw
gawd, it’s gonna be horrible!
BUSTER: (VOICEOVER) It’s unreal. It’s like he’s
just not bothered by this!
LANCE: (CRYING BIG OL’ TEARS OF FRUSTRATION) I
swear, Buster, it’s like this guy’s from another country or something!!!
BUSTER: Whoa! The Red Sox better be careful! Looks
like this won’t be a good year for them!
LANCE: It certainly doesn’t, Buster. It certainly
doesn’t. Back to you.
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO BUSTER, AND BEHIND HIM IS A
PHOTO OF MANNY, WILY MO, AND BIG PAPI.)
BUSTER: Thanks, Lance. Well folks, here’s a picture
of Monday’s spring training, showing Wily Mo, Big Papi, and our Prodigal
Son, Manny himself. Now, we have two experts back in the SORAD studios in
New England, ready to
give their detailed analysis on this photo and what it can tell us about
Manny’s state of mind. Please direct your attention to Photo Analyst Ivana
MakeABigDealOverNothing, and hair color/style specialist Colonel Sherman T.
“Hairy” Potter.
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO THE SORAD DESK, WHERE A
SEVERE-LOOKING RUSSIAN WOMAN AND AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN IN 1950’s US ARMY GEAR
SIT A DESK, WITH THE PICTURE IN THE BACKGROUND).
IVANA: Greetings, Comrades, I am Ivana.
POTTER: And I’m Colonel “Hairy” Potter. And we’re
here to analyze this latest picture of Manny.
IVANA: Notice picture. Wily Mo? Smiling! Big Papi?
Smiling? Manny? Not so smiling. Is clear that Manny is unhappy, and will
turn on teammates and bourgeois owners like rabid wolfhound turn on owner
who is dressed in pork-chop suit.
POTTER: You really think so?
IVANA: Da, tovarich. Face shows much anger and
resentment. Manny is downtrodden mass waiting to throw off the oppressive
chains of imperialist owners. Not good. Also, notice that Wily Mo is being
held up by comrades Manny and Papi on each side. Is probably drunk. What
does Manny’s hair tell you, comrade?
POTTER: Well, Manny has red high-lights in his
hair, and red’s the color of rage….
IVANA: ..as well as symbol of glorious people’s
revolution!
POTTER: Put a sock in it, lady, it’s my turn to
speak. Besides, your side lost. We’re covering Spring Training here!
IVANA: Bah! Spring Training?? In Soviet Russia, the
bat swings YOU!
POTTER: Anyways….Manny’s red highlights are a clear
signal that he’s angry. Red, rage, it’s all very clear. Unless we see a
different shade of color in his hair, the Sox will have an angry young Manny
on their hands.
IVANA: Angry young Manny!? Is good joke! Ivana gets
it!
POTTER: And I sure pity the guy who gives it to
you….
(THE SCENE CUTS BACK TO
FORT MYERS, AND BUSTER AND LANCE)
BUSTER: Wow. That was intense….
LANCE: Whoa! The Red Sox better be careful! Looks
like this won’t be a good year for them!
BUSTER: It certainly doesn’t, Lance. And now,
before we end, here’s a taped interview we had with bloated superstar Curt
Schilling. Roll tape!
(WE SEE CURT SCHILLING WITH A MICROPHONE, AND A
QUESTION IS BEING ASKED OFF-CAMERA)
BUSTER: Curt, what do you think of Manny’s arrival
in camp?
CURT: (ALTHOUGH CURT’S LIPS MOVE, THE VOICE IS NOT
HIS, AND THE WORDS AREN’T EVEN IN SYNCH WITH THE MOUTH MOTIONS) Manny is a
big fat doody-head….he’s immature and icky. I wish he’d get run over by a
bus. He thinks he’s so special. He’s a lazy, good-for nothing…
(THE CAMERA PULLS BACK, AND WE SEE THAT CURT’S
IMAGE IS BEING DISPLAYED ON A TV MONITOR IN THE SORAD STUDIO. WE ALSO SEE
LANCE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF OVER HIS MOUTH, HUNCHED OVER BESIDE THE TV
MONITOR, TRYING TO DO AN IMPERSONATION OF CURT’S VOICE, AND FAILING
MISERABLY)
LANCE: Whoa! Well now! Heh. Um…that’s all the time
we have now, folks! We’ll keep the reports coming throughout Spring
Training!
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SPRING TRAINING MANIA!!!
By John "Startedin67" Terra February 16, 2007
WE SEE GREEN GRASS, BLUE
SKIES, AND NOT A TRACE OF SNOW. CLEARLY, THIS IS NOT NEW ENGLAND. AS THE
CAMERA PANS AROUND, WE SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS “WELCOME TO FT. MYERS, HOME OF
THE BOSTON RED SOX SPRING TRAINING FACILITY”. AS THE CAMERA CONTINUES
PANNING, WE CATCH SIGHT OF OUR SORAD HOSTS, EACH WITH A HEADSET/MICROPHONE,
LOOKING TANNED AND FIT.
BUSTER: Good afternoon, I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: …and I’m Lance Boyle. And this is…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReAction Desk!!!!!
BUSTER: Where it’s our divinely-inspired duty to
belittle the Sox, or, failing that, at least leach off some of their
popularity to further our own careers!
LANCE: And get a good tan in the process!
BUSTER: That’s right, Lance, because we’re live,
Live, LIVE!!!!.....from
Fort Myers and the Red
Sox Spring Training camp!
LANCE: I wonder how many of our fans know that
Fort Myers was named
after Michael Myers, former pitcher for the Red Sox.
BUSTER: Yeah until he was kicked to the curb. Oh
well. If there’s one hot hot hot story this year, it’s Matsuzaka Mania!!!!
It’s sweeping Red Sox Nation like Godzilla rampaging through
Tokyo!
LANCE: Right you are, Buster. And let me just say
for the record: “Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really
think so!”
BUSTER: Nicely put, Lance, and now….
LANCE (interrupting): Konichi-wa, Matsuzaka-san!
BUSTER: Oh, very nice, Lance. And now…
LANCE (interrupting): Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto…
BUSTER: Say what?
LANCE: Banzai!!!!!!!!
BUSTER: Um…Lance?
LANCE: Kamikaze!!!!!!
BUSTER: Say what!?
LANCE: Wax on, wax off!
BUSTER: What the….
LANCE: Crane technique! If done properly, no
defense…
BUSTER: Lance will you shut the Hell up?
LANCE: OH. Sorry. Got a little carried away
there….This Matsuzaka mania has me overwhelmed!
BUSTER: To say the least. Anyways, yes, Matsuzaka
mania is sweeping Fort Myers, and we at SORAD are following the rest of the
media horde as we monitor…Every…Single…Damned…Move, that the guy makes. In
fact, wait, yes, we have it on good authority that Dice-K ordered a Sashimi
plate for lunch with steamed rice and Miso soup.
LANCE: Miso horny!!!
BUSTER: Lance, will you please shut up? You’re
embarrassing us! Anyways, to get a further breakdown on Dice-K’s lunch, we
take you to SORAD’s very own Gastronomic Analyst, Munch McBloat.
THE SCENE CHANGES TO THE SORAD STUDIOS, WHERE A
SWEATING GUY WITH FOUR CHINS AND A BAD COMBOVER SITS BEHIND THE SORAD DESK.
MUNCH: Thanks, Buster. Well, folks, it seems that
Dice, rather than starting off with the Ika, which is squid, he led off with
Tako, which is octopus, and followed up with Toro, which is fatty tuna,
unless you’re in Spain, in which it’s bull. He eventually moved on to the
Maguro, or tuna, and finished off the
Saba, the mackerel, before going for the Ika. I don’t think I need to spell
out just how ominous a sign this is for Red Sox Nation this year.
THE SCENE CHANGES BACK TO THE SORAD GUYS
BUSTER: Wow….leading off with the Tako. What’s the
man thinking?
LANCE: Whoa! The Red Sox better be careful! Looks
like this won’t be a good year for them!
BUSTER: It certainly doesn’t, Lance. We also have
it on good authority that after he ate, Dice-K burped. Sources close to
Dice-K said that he covered his mouth.
LANCE: Gotta love those polite people from that
crazy little island nation we like to call
Japan. I wonder how long it will be before that lunch completes its internal
journey?
BUSTER: For that information, let’s go to SORAD’s
medical expert, Doctor D. Mento.
THE SCENE CHANGES TO SOMETHING RESEMBLING THE LAB
OF DOCTOR FRANKENSTEIN
DOC: The average meal takes between three to five
hours to make the journey from plate to potty. The time can increase if the
meal is high in fat. If Dice is eating Sashimi, then we’re talking low fat.
So, figure on three hours after consumption before it sees the light of day
again!
THE SCENE GOES BACK TO THE SORAD GUYS
LANCE: And you fans can rest assured that we’ll be
here to provide you with details of Dice-K’s digestive prowess as events
develop.
BUSTER: Good point, Lance… Our viewers should tune
in for a special, immediately following this SORAD episode. It’s called the
Dice-K Dookie Watch, and we’ll be keeping Red Sox Nation informed of every
movement Dice makes, and we mean EVERY movement.
LANCE: And now for a live report from
Fenway Park, our roving
reporters Brandy Alexander and Amber Ayle. Surely, Matsuzaka Mania is
gripping Fenway Park!
WE SEE YAWKEY WAY, WITH GOOD OLD FENWAY IN THE
BACKGROUND. EVERYTHING IS COVERED IN SNOW AND ICE. WE SEE TWO LARGE PILES OF
SNOW, WITH WIRES RUNNING INTO THEM.
SNOW PILE #1: Hi everyone! This is Brandy
Alexander!
SNOW PILE #2: And I’m Amber Ayle!
SNOW PILE #1: Well, it’s winter here…no baseball.
SNOW PILE #2: I’m cold…
WE SEE A DOG SLED GO BY
DRIVER: Mush, you Huskies!
DOG: We attend BU, putz!
SNOW PILE #1: OK, so deciding to do this broadcast
in just our underwear was maybe a bad idea
SNOW PILE #2: But the guys said we needed to show
more cleavage to attract viewers.
SNOW PILE #1: Yeah but…we’re buried in a snow drift
thanks to that stupid plow that roared by a minute ago.
A PACK OF MEN WITH BIG FUR HATS AND BIG MOUSTACHES
DANCE ON BY
COSSACK #1: Stolichnaya!
COSSACK #2: Da!
SNOW PILE #2: Maybe we should…I don’t know…get out
of the snow? Maybe?
SNOW PILE #1: I can’t move. I think my brain’s
frozen. Back to you, Buster.
THE SCENE SHIFTS BACK TO BUSTER AND LANCE
LANCE: Do you think that maybe we should’ve gone to
Fenway and let the girls report from here?
BUSTER: Hell with that…it’s freezing up there!
LANCE: There is that.
BUSTER: Wait! We’re getting an urgent message here!
Apparently, Dice-K laughed at something that Josh Beckett said!
LANCE: What…could…it…have…been? Perhaps…a joke?
BUSTER: Could be….This is so exciting! Dice-K’s
certainly feeling right at home…eating food, throwing baseballs, laughing….
LANCE: He’s certainly fitting in well. After all,
most of the Sox eat food, throw baseballs, and sometimes even laugh!
BUSTER: Except for Captain Jason Varitek…He’s all
business.
LANCE: Yeah…laugh at him, and he’ll shove a glove
in your face.
BUSTER: Yeah, A-Rod learned that the hard way.
LANCE: Speaking of which, time for a word from our
sponsor!
THE SCENE CUTS TO COMMERICAL, WHERE WE SEE A-ROD
SITTING IN AN EASY CHAIR, IN WHAT SEEMS TO BE A TASTEFUL LIVING ROOM OR
STUDY.
A-ROD: Hello, I’m Alex Rodriguez; generally
recognized as the Greatest Living Active Baseball Player. But when I’m not
giving 154% on the ballfield, or posing for product endorsements, I’m
pursuing my other passion, which, coincidentally, I’m terrific at, namely
writing books.
My latest book, an entirely fictional story based
on absolutely no one, is called “The Littlest Unappreciated Yet Very
Talented Little Leaguer.” In this made-up story, a cute, precocious,
talented Little League ballplayer named Ralex Odriguez is ostracized by his
teammates because he’s supposedly not playing to his full, awe-inspiring
potential. You’ll cry when you read how poor, talented Ralex is mercilessly
ribbed and snubbed by his teammates. You’ll cheer when Ralex hits the
game-winning homerun and his team wins the Little League World Series!
You’ll laugh when Ralex’s vindictive, mean-spirited;
doesn’t-back-me-errr-Ralex-up teammates are then torn apart by a pack of
ravenous, short-tempered baboons.
Speaking of short-tempered baboons, I want to say
again how honored I am to play for the benefit of the New York Yankee fans,
the greatest fans in all of baseball.
Unfortunately, unlike little Ralex, I still haven’t
reached my goal, or seen my dream come true. All I have ever wanted out of
life is to win a World Series. It’s all I ever wanted. I never wanted to get
married, sleep with a real, live woman, and father a flock of handsome,
talented children. I never wanted lucrative endorsement deals. No, I want a
World Series win, and I need you, yes you, the fans, to help me.
Even the greatest baseball player can’t play in a
vacuum. He needs support. God knows he’s not getting it from Mister
Perpetual MVP Ice Queen Prima Donna Captain Intangibles Jeter. Bernie’s out
the door and everyone’s clustering around and supporting THAT old fart like
the sun shines out his arse. Then frickin’ Fruitbat is pissing and moaning
about not being respected. Yeah, I got your closer right here, Rivera!
Where was I? Oh yeah. Support. See, if you, the
fans, stop razzing me and instead decide to cheer me on, you can rest
comfortable in the knowledge that you’ve done your part to help the Greatest
Living Baseball Player ™ fulfill his destiny by winning a World
Championship. I mean, Doug F***ing Mirabelli has a World Series ring, for
Pete’s sake! I mean, where’s the fairness in that? Oh yeah. Hey, look at me
everyone! I’m Doug Beerabelli, and I’ve just eaten the entire stock of the
local Wendy’s. Look at my World Series ring!
Yeah, that’s fair. Fair, my well-shaped tanned ass.
I’m up every morning at
four am…that’s FOUR in
the FRICKIN MORNING, people!!! I do 4787 sit-ups, 548995 pull-ups, 4367464
push-ups, run 23 miles, bench-press a family of Lithuanian refugees, help a
little girl get her kitten down from a tree, read another chapter of some
inspiring biography of a past Yankee great, rescue a child from a burning
building, study game films from last year, prepare a detailed critique on my
teammates’ plays, and forward copies to Torre, Cashman, Stottlemeyer,
Steinbrenner, etc. Then after all that, I REALLY get in some serious
training!
What’s Mirabelli do? Probably wakes up at 11 am,
watches Spongebob Crap-pants, eats two pounds of Captain Crunch, then takes
a golf cart to the training facility, eating Dove bars like there’s no
tomorrow. And HE has a ring. Oh yeah. That’s fair.
Where was I? Oh yeah. So…if you fans would put
aside your unjustified rancor, and instead, applaud me. That’s right. If you
wish real hard, clap your hands, and say “I believe in fairies!” then you’ll
see me play to my full potential, and I’ll single-handedly win you a World
Series. Yes, let ME, A-Rod, be YOUR baseball fairy!
So, buy my book and inspire a child. Sign up for
the Applause for A-Rod campaign, and inspire me to even more greatness! And
if you act now, you’ll get your very own Applause for A-Rod bumper sticker
and cloisonné pin, suitable for…
BUSTER GUTT INTERRUPTS
BUSTER: This is Buster Gutt interrupting an
otherwise moving sales pitch with this exclusive SORAD update! Just seconds
ago, Dice-K pointed at an alligator and laughed. We have Lance Boyle over by
the alligator, trying to get some words from it, some idea on how it feels
playing a role in this momentous occasion.
LANCE (voice off-camera): Hello, Mister
Alligator…can I call you Al? So Al, Dice-K pointed at you and laughed,
so…our viewers want to know your thoughts on…OHHHGAWD MY ARRRRM!!!!!!
BUSTER (looking away): Er…we seem to be having some
technical difficulties, folks…Stay tuned to SORAD for more live Dice-K
updates!!!
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